An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.

Jacko came running in.

"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bruce"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Bruce said "Lets try Plan C"

"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her"


"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits"


"Play with her tits"? Bruce said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?


Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

An attractive young woman walked into a pub and was delighted to see they did cocktails. Having looked at the list she deciced on a 'Double Entendre'. She placed the order with the barman and a few minutes later he gave her one

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on
the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well,
doctor, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Doris, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yes, but none of us could get the jar open."

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

LITTLE JOHNNY

Teacher - And what do you want to do when you grow up Johnny?

Johnny - I want to work in a bowling alley.

Teacher - Tenpin?

Johnny - No permanent!

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

rafa benitez has defended his squad rotation policy.

he states that it keeps the burglars guessing who will be at home on matchdays

_________________
If the truth hurts. See a Doctor.

MEN STRIKE BACK!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None - It should be opened by the time she brings it

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

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I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was' Always'

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

A great pool player from reds select, a great player from the craftsman and santa claus are in a lift. They see a £20 note on the floor. Who picks it up?


Answer. Santa. Cos the other two don't exist.

I thought the answer was Darren Lee but he only deals in 50s!

I had some lovely presents off Santa this year as well.

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee.

At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.
As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and
then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

Just the job she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.
Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night".

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said...........................



"We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station".

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

nice one craig. A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can i have a gin and...( several minutes later )...tonic please ? The barman serves him and says, " sure, but why the big pause ? " The Polar Bear says, " Don't know, I've always had them. "

A white horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky. Feeling clever the barman says "actually we have a whisky that's named after you". Quick as a flash the horse says "What, Eddie?"

Sans Serif and Verdana walked into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve your type"

Man walks into a bar and the fruit machine says "You fat fatherless person" and as he orders his drink the bowl of peanuts on the bar says "Hello handsome". "What's with the talking stuff then" he asks the barman. "oh, take no notice" the barman replies. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the fruit machine is out of order"

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

dependable wrote:

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bruce" They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bruce said "Lets try Plan C" "Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her" "Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits" "Play with her tits"? Bruce said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"? Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

oh my god dependable your joke was so funny i was laughing that much i fell off my chair and cracked my ribs so i went to the chinese and got some spare ones! not really....your joke was as funny as watching you play pool!

Keep watching you'll learn something.

Over your head again

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box & decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Queen's Head and have a drink with me?".

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!














A little voice came out of the box.....................................


















(WAIT FOR IT)......................................................
























"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!!!!!

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!