just knew you would be a beadle fan pukka ,dont know why i just did lol

"watch out, cos pukka's about,
watch out, cos pukka's about,
yeah you better watch out,
cos pukka's about"

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f-c-ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

What key can open any locked door?


A pi-key.

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A man sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A man sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A man sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
Is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A man sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is £80 and his profit is £20. Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
£20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
The birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers. )

7. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known f or his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more




RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.</DIV>

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

9 BALL u a legend , move over tommy cooper lol

Yorkshire police have been questioning Shannon Mathews mum. Mot about why Shannon disappeared but how the hell she managed to get 5 different men to shag her.

TruthFinder.

_________________
Win if you can, lose if you must but always cheat.

Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men, ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.......'

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

What do Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder have in common?

Neither of them will see christmas this year.

TruthFinder.

_________________
Win if you can, lose if you must but always cheat.

A little girl walks into her parent's bedroom. "Holy shit" she screams. " And you want me to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...."!

A Danish alternative newspaper wondered why the Americans would even hold an election based on the following rationale:


"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch (Hillary) who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer.

Alternatively, you have a lawyer (Obama) who is married to a bitch, who is also a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero (McCain) who is married to a good looking woman with big tits, who owns a beer company.

Is there a contest here?"
*******************

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

9 ball, you have far too much time on your hands.

the main joke is your play

get a girlfriend or boyfriend but for gods sake get something

_________________
If the truth hurts. See a Doctor.

The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy....

1, A day without sunshine is like night.

2, On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9.Support bacteria, they are the only culture some people have.

10, A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a few payments.

13.How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what is the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

_________________
Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an ugly looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - 'That French swine wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face'

(2) The fat lady thought - 'This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him'.

(3) The Frenchman thought - 'That Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me'.

(4) The Englishman thought - 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again'.

_________________
Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK