Jokes

**potthelot** · Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:51 am Post subject:

100% is the biggest joke on here. You should ban chavs Mr Picknall

**9_Ball** · Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:55 am Post subject:

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin"

.....................................................................................................................................................................................

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector",
says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."

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Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

**d15h3r_m4n** · Regular Player Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 47

19 irishmen walked into the cinemas, one of the staff members asks why are there 19 of u?

One of the irshmen replies because the movie is over 18.

**9_Ball** · Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject:

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!".

Laughing

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Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

**100%** · Regular Player Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 108

potthelot wrote:

100% is the biggest joke on here. You should ban chavs Mr Picknall

your`e the biggest chav here,i`ll be at reds tommorow so if you want to see me i`ll be there.
laters,100% is here and has no fear.100%.

**100%** · Regular Player Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 108

i was trying to be reasonable with people, but the case is they don`t seem to respect anyone.they make names and stupid remarks about them,so i have decided to retaliate the same way of their thinking.100% is here and has no fear.100%

**dependable** · Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:34 am Post subject:

100% in the joke forum, very apt Wink

**9_Ball** · Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:03 am Post subject:

100% - it was you that started the stupid remarks and disrespecting people, with posts like Vik Makh and Mark White were overrated. There were many others, hence the reason for your apology. Wind up or not, it gets people's backs up!

TruthFinder's posts were at least honest and there was no intention of winding anyone up. In fact you seem to be about the only one that has a problem. For the record I didn't think he said anything wrong at all. People might not like his comments about Mark's money match and Mick's antics but at the end of the day I thought he was spot on both times.

There's no need for retaliation. Unless you like typing these apologies.

I'll be down Reds as well. See you in a bit................

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Neary 40?? If the truth hurts, find a home for the elderly!!

**whoops** · Regular Player Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 19

Air crash investigators are studying the voice recorder from the recently crashed B.A flight. The last conversation went as follows;

"Go on let her have a go, what harm can it do? We are nearly there now". Laughing

**whoops** · Regular Player Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 19

A female dwarf visits the doctors complaining of an itchy fanny. The doctor immediately gets to work with his scissors. When he has finnished the dwarf replies " That feels so much better, what did you do?" The doctor replied " I just trimmed the fur at the top of your wellies!" Embarassed

**terry buckley** · Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject:

A truck driver was on his way to London Zoo with a lorry load of penguins, when he broke down on the motorway. Concerned about his cargo, he flagged down another truck driver and persuaded him to transport the animals for him to the zoo. After getting his own truck repaired, the first driver carried onto London to make sure that the penguins arrived safely. As he approached the zoo, he was amazed to see the other driver walking along the pavement with all the penguins flapping and tripping along behind him. " You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo ! " shouted the first driver. " I did ", said the second. " Now we're going to the pictures. " Laughing

**Webmaster** · Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money. Between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately
ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.......

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Mister Bridger
Webmaster
The Self Preservation Society
Coventry UK

**BEAST** · Regular Player Joined: 07 Dec 2007 Posts: 184

Jeremy Beadle died 6-30am,anyone dont understand thats when the big hand meets the little hand

**dependable** · Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject:

BEAST wrote:

Jeremy Beadle died 6-30am,anyone dont understand thats when the big hand meets the little hand

There's always one sicko

**TruthFinder** · Regular Player Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 270

I've heard they found Beadle's will but they're having trouble reading it as it's written in short hand. Confused

TruthFinder. Cool

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Win if you can, lose if you must but always cheat.