I can't claim any credit for this but I thought it funny enough to post on here............................................



Ulrikakakaka Johnson
Ex-weathering, ex-bird of Stan Collymore, ex-star of Vic & Bob’s Shooting Stars, Ulrikakakaka recently had a bloody big catfight with Nancy ‘girlfriend of Sven’ over errr Sven.
This was a change for Ulrikakakaka as she had previously spent her time appearing in Sunday papers complaining that young blokes she went to bed with soon got sick of her baps hanging down over her knees & quickly left her (usually pregnant)
Ulrikakakaka has little chance of reviving her career on this show & looks destined for Iceland adverts once Kerry Katona finally spontaneously combusts
No chance.

Mutya Buena
Former SugaBabe needs no introduction to fans of sh!t music on here.
Mutya is in real trouble trying to win this if she couldn’t cut it in that gang of caterwauling gang-bang fodder, so she’ll be looking to hook up with the likes of Coolio & La Toya who will both avoid her like the plauge.
No chance

La Toya Jackson
Channel 4 viewers might think they’ve tuned into an edition of Bo Selecta when they see the state of this one rolling up the steps.
Highly likely to try to replicate Germaine’s success two years ago when he sat quietly as they spit roasted Shilpa Shetty & it wont look as good coming from a woman.
Highly unlikely to be able to stand this.
No chance

Michelle Heaton
Former wife of Andy Scott Lee who was famous for having a sister in Steps.
Michelle has also had her own slice of fame when she was in the woeful collective of ***** & dullards that made up Liberty-X
Michelle has confessed to binge drinking & being a right pain in the @rse, so very little chance of her winning this.

Tommy Sheridan
Unknown outside his own front garden, Tommy is apparently a firebrand, hairy backed (according to his wife) MP
Tommy will be hoping to emulate George Galloway by proving once and for all that all politicians are worthless pieces of sh!t
No chance

Lucy Pinder
Famous for getting em out & grinning inanely as another bird (also with em out) crawls all over her in various red top gutter publications.
Lucy will only get to show her party piece if she finds herself laid between Michelle Heaton & the last bottle of Absolut
She has more chance of marrying Prince William
No chance

Tina Malone
Known best as Mimi, the mound of Sound in Channel4 ****/comedy Shameless, Mimi is on her own turf (Channel4) & will prove to be as likeable as she is cuddly.
She’s from a good family, knows her manners & people will be pleasantly surprised when they see her without the track suit & the bling.
BACK BIG AT 12/1

Verne Troyer
Towering beneath his rivals at an impressive 13 inches (Ulrika’s ears went back at this news till it was explained that’s actually his height & not the size of his pecker) Verne is hoping to be able to switch on lights by himself & make some toast by the end of the series.
Verne has also been involved in the odd scandal recently when he was accused of hitting his ex-girlfriend (who was NOT there for his Austin Powers money - she likes people the size of a seriousdildo)
Verne has said he hopes to explore Ulrika’s crevices while he’s in there, but insists they give him a torch, a strong rope & have a mountain rescue team on standby.
BACK AT 3/1

Coolio
Been spending most his life in a Ginsters Paradise since the royalties dried up & he couldn’t afford decent food
Will be looking to duet with La Toya at every opportunity, but more likely to end up appearing at Bridlington Spa with Michelle Heaton after this
No chance

Ben Adams
Boring ex-publc schoolboy who used to be linked to racist pig Jo from S-Club7
Hopefully Coolio will remember this & give him the thrashing his association deserves.
No chance

Terry Christian
Loudmouthed @rsehole who used to present The Word with Yogi Bear.
Terry has been in the wilderness for a while & to be fair, television has been all the better for that.
He’ll tell people he likes Man Utd just to ensure he is universally loathed & will look to stir things up by flirting outrageously with Mutya
He has more chance of going to Mars than winning this.

It’s as plain as the nose on your face, it’s a two way fight with Tina & the midget, back Tina big cos she’s a big price & save on the little fellah & hope he doesn’t get lost in Ulrika……